It all started when I noticed it was getting pretty close to 9 and I needed to quickly run and return that redbox movie we rented. I’m sure you’ve been there a time or two yourselves. But I thought it would be a great opportunity to spend a little one on one time with my 6 year old. She happily obliged and out the door we went.
We retuned said movie ( it was Trolls, just in case you were curious) and proceeded into the store to grab a few things.
We grabbed some juice and then, due to a certain little girls pleading, we headed to the toy section.
There we were, strolling down one of the isles and it hit me…. like a ton of bricks.
My daughter is dead.
I watched her die.
It’s always there… it’s just that lately it’s not always at the forefront of my mind. There are lots of times where it’s just sits there in the middle of my mind with all of life’s other worries. Did my son finish his homework? Did someone remember to feed the dog? I have got to remember to change the oil in the truck…Not quite gone, yet not quite fully present. But always there.
Then there are times when it slips back into the depths of you mind and you kind just forget about it for a minute…. not really forget in the true sense of the word, but just pushed back to that far corner of the mind.
And then it’s there again. Demanding. DEMANDING to be felt. My heart begins to physically hurt. There is literal pain inside my chest. It’s nothing new… and in fact, I’ve felt worse. Just a sad pang of sorrow and longing… Remembering fully that there is a little girl buried in Twin Falls, Idaho that should be holding my hand, right there in the store. Right next to me. Watching and learning from her big sister.
It’s times like these that remind me how incredibly fragile life is. It gives me this homesick feeling that makes me want to run home and give my children a never ending hug. It makes me want to be a better mama to them… To live life without regrets. Because you never know… tomorrow could be your last day with someone you love.
so go kiss those babies, and show love towards your spouse. give that friend a hug….
I promise you won’t regret it.